So last Saturday I woke up to the news that Christina Grimmie got shot at a meet & greet after her concert, I was still in bed casually checking my phone under the cover, and the news got me from sleepy to terrified in no time, I seriously started trembling while trying to find more about the incident and praying that she'll be okay..
I prayed, but I knew, especially when I read that there were at least 3 shots, I knew it's impossible, still, I prayed for a miracle, I prayed that she'l pull a Malala somehow and just get up safe and sound, but I knew..
I was crying, tears just streaming down my face. I got up, went to the bathroom to wash my face, went back to bed and just stayed there, waiting for the next news to hit me. And it did, they announced the news and I started crying even more, my heart hurt so much, and more than anything, I wanted to close my eyes and go back to sleep and wake up to that all being a big fat ugly nightmare, but it wasn't..
About an hour later I got up and left the room and started looking for stand-up comedians and funny You-Tube videos to watch because I wasn't crying anymore, but I was sad, and I needed something to lift my mood up because I had the idea that, I didn't know Christina, she was just a famous singer that lived oceans away and never knew I existed, why should I get sad more than that? But the day went on, I laughed at so many videos, but whenever I was done with one I would remember her and my head starts to hurt so I go to watch another one, all day long.
My sisters were devastated when I told them the news, Sister #1 decided that she's going to pretend that it's all a lie and watch tv shows because she can't get Christina's voice singing 'Titanium' from her head, Sister #2 cried a little, mom was sad, and I was still not sure of what to think. My mom kept asking me why I was off and down that day and I answered her every time with 'I don't know' or 'nothing'. I was sad the whole day for 3 days.
I remember years ago when Sister #1 told me to check out that girl's cover songs on You-Tube, and how she's cool and her voice is a killer, I remember years later when I was looking at my You-Tube feed and saw the name 'Christina Grimmie' and the words 'Audition' and 'The Voice' on a video title and I freaked the hell out, I remember when me, my mom and my sisters watched that season of The Voice together on tv and were rooting for her, and how she went to far to be my favorite team's (AKA Team Adam) represent and final player and thinking that if I knew her we'd be really good friends. I remember feeling happy and proud for her when she started doing more shows, I remember that I unfollowed every damn account that don't stop retweeting instead of hers for some reason I don't know, I remember seeing her face with a fan on my Twitter timeline just a day before this..
I never knew how grief felt, I never experienced loss that left me sad for three days other than when my little kitten died. Christina was my age, she was a hard worker, she was always happy and smiling and nice and kind and funny, and that's based on what I saw from behind the screen, which is what her friends has said also about her. It hurt me because how could someone do something so vile to such an innocent girl like her, how evil can someone be to take a life of such pure girl that never hurt anyone, that always wore a smile whenever she goes, and I never understood, I never will. I guess that's part of the reason why I still can't stand hearing her voice or watching videos of her, I avoided retweeting anything about the incident. My eyes still tear up every time I think about never seeing her again or never listening to new music from her. I still can't make her a memory.
It may all seem silly. No, I know for I fact that it all seem silly, how much I mourned a person I never really knew or met, and wasn't on track with everything she did, but someone told me it's because of how she made me feel, and that's right. I know one day I'm gonna have to move on and accept the fact that I refuse to write down in this post, I know that one day I'm gonna download all her songs and watch all her videos and remember her and smile, right now it's just too sad and raw for me to do that.
