Farewell 2016

It has been brutal.

This year was the most unkind, vile, painful year of my life (and I thought nothing would top 2012).

I experienced emotions and stress I have never been through, I faced things and situations that were so new to me.

The most significant difference for me this year, is that I can name the feelings I experience, I know it's "grief" when I grieve, I know it's "anger" when my head boils, I know when it's "pride" or "sympathy" or "love"

I recognize my anxiety, my fears, my trust issues and my lines and walls.

Every time that I come to term with myself regarding how I feel and thing and react to things it's like a wrecking ball shattering every wall I built around myself to protect me from other people, and from myself. And although the realization may have been shocking sometimes, it gives my a little closure, pushes me a little further in the journey of discovering myself. I have lived 21 years in a shell where I didn't even know myself or what I liked or what I feared, what I want and what I need to know. Each time something clears up to I get this feeling of acceptance.

There's nothing worse than living without knowing who you are, or hating who you are without even knowing yourself. I am the most imperfect being I've ever known, and this is the most cliche thing I've ever written, but I accept myself now, I accept my imperfections, I can point out to where there's gotta be some fixing and improvement and where I should stand for and embrace.

I am thankful to this year for giving me that, for the wisdom that it gave me and helped me make things clear. I am not less depressed or scared or anxious than I was at the start of 2016, but I AM aware of all of these thoughts and I KNOW that I need to get over things.

To be honest, I'm not an optimistic person, like, AT ALL. Not pessimistic, but not optimistic either. But the thing is, between the darkness and the hiding that I do in my brain, there's a little glow of "wants", things I really really desire, and determine to achieve, and for the sake of not turning into a cocoon, I'll do what I can to make them tangible.

What did I do in 2016?

Well, I did NOT hit my 100 movies goal, I did NOT read 10 books, and I for sure did NOT lose weight.

I did though read over 5 books, which is more than last year (I am a very slow reader and force myself to read sometimes). I watched 85 movies even though I barely had time through this hectic graduation semester, I managed to never get less than Bs in all of my courses (which is heyyyy, I'm almost done with college too!), I had a major improvement in my art, I started receiving money in exchange for my crafts and hand-made things, and I'm finally, fully and truly over the people I tried so hard to forget about for 4 years.

Yes, it was a bad year, The WORST Year, but I'm glad to be a better person than I was last year, and all the years before. I hope everyone did, despite all the badness that's occurs in the world right this minute. May 2017 be our best year ever.